Thrash Hits

February 24th, 2009

How To Make Your Girlfriend Like Metal

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The online magazine aimed at hot, radical people in American Apparel clothing, self-titled has written an hilarious but also very helpful guide to making your girlfriend like metal.

Entitled “Sorry, Honey. I Love Metal”, Aaron Richter has developed an undoubtedly foolproof guide to brainwashing your apparently hot girlfriend so that she not only likes metal, but likes that you like metal.

To us, this is as alien a concept as having a hot girlfriend. Don’t worry, she doesn’t read this shit. Here’s a quote from the intro:

[The girlfriend] can’t be ignored. Or disregarded. No, that won’t do. Because she’s hot and awesome. And no Matt Pike bellow or Mick Harris blast beat is worth losing the love of your life over. (Unless, of course, she sucks, in which case this article is probably not for you.) Any true metal obsession means that she’ll be forced to digest extreme music at least once a day, intentionally or not. And for the uninitiated, that’s a lot to bear. Thus, altering her tastes becomes a conquest of sorts, one in which you must triumph. Here are ten necessary steps to victory.

The list goes something like this:

  1. Start with something she can tolerate.
  2. Help her understand that not all metal is Cradle of Filth.
  3. Pay attention to volume.
  4. Explain yourself.
  5. Invest in some quality ear buds.
  6. Take the next step with something badass.
  7. Point out stuff that rules.
  8. Encourage what she likes.
  9. Test the waters.
  10. Give her hugs and candy.

Not only is this funny, it could actually enable some of you guys to go out with a girl that wears normal clothes. I say some because there is a portion of you that is totally, completely and irrevocably beyond redemption. Sorry.

You can read the entire article on self-titledmag.com.

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