Thrash Hits

November 3rd, 2009

Album: Bakteria – Defecate! Suffocate! Mutilate! Masturbate!

Bakteria promo photo Thrash Hits

Defecate! Suffocate! Mutilate! Masturbate!
Anstalt Records
13 November 2009

by Hugh Platt

What? What? Is it “Crap Fucking Album” week or something? Are people starting to take the piss because it’s getting towards the end of the year or something? That’s got to be the reason why I’ve been given Bakteria‘s album’s worth of puerile dick-joke thrash to review.

Bakteria Defecate! Suffocate! Mutilate! Masturbate! artwork cover packshot Thrash Hits

At least they’re honest – Bakteria’s obsession with bodily functions and juvenile obscenia has at least been given a fitting title in Defecate! Suffocate! Mutilate! Masturbate! Like a Troma schlock-slasher film, Bakteria seem to have striven to get the most amount of goreish gross-out for the minimum amount of buck. And like the Troma filmography, there’s is just enough lo-fi charm in their deliquent thrashing for it to work – up to a point.

The problem is that everything is so thin – the weak, lacklustre production values make this seem less like it was recorded in a studio, than through a walkmen gaffa-taped to the ceiling of the drummer’s garage. Whatever glimmers of amusement you might’ve ever been able to to wring from lyrics along the lines of  “you little platypus bastard! Let me fuck you to death! In that single orifice of yours!”, taking in forty minutes of the stuff is like spending an afternoon babysitting an ADD child with Tourette’s. It’s the kind of chore you only do as a favour to very close friends, and even then you half-feel like they ought to be paying you for the privilege.

Watch the video to ‘Defecate! Suffocate! Mutilate! Masturbate!’ by Bakteria

But when you’ve got bands like Gwar out there – and Oderus Urungus’ mob do this with much more aplomb and a hell of a lot more razzmatazz than Bakteria are capable of – is there any need for Bakteria to exist? Defecate! Suffocate! Mutilate! Masturbate! feels like an in-joke that’s gotten out of hand, the end result of a band getting drunk, sneaking into a studio late at night, and knocking out a comedy record that’ll only ever work as an in-joke between its creators.


Sounds like: Gwar…only less subtle.
Top tracks: ……

Bakteria – Defecate! Suffocate! Mutilate! Masturbate! tracklisting
Platypus Bestiality
Sea Corpse
Shit Vomit Enema Orgy
Shit In The Pussy
Feed Feces To The Foetus
Colostomy Hemorrhoids
Kill, Fuck
Crib Death
Castrate With A Rusty Skate
Sloppy Fifths in a Pus Filled Twat
Feed the Starving with the Rich Man’s Vomit
Defecate! Suffocate! Mutilate! Masturbate!
Hospital Fuck-Fest
Chromosomes In The Toilet
Shit On My Pubes



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