Milking The Goatmachine
Back From The Goats
30 October 2009
by TT Alpuggah
Okay, it takes an awful lot to make me break out the phrase “wretched lump of audio horsetoss” before a review has even gotten to the jump, but this steaming tray of piss from Milking The Goatmachine fully deserves it. It practically encourages it.
Before we get to the terrible, terrible music – and make no mistake, this album is a audio abomination – let’s take a moment to examine Milking The Goatmachine’s description of themselves:
Hailing from the planet GoatEborg where all creatures happen to have a goatlike behaviour and/or appearance, MILKING THE GOATMACHINE were founded in 2008 by Goatfreed and Goatleeb Udder. They came to planet Earth to spread the word of Goatgrind. Together with Anstalt Records the band is pursuing grinding world domination.
This “goatgrind” they speak of? It’s deathcore. Generic, by-the-book, “no new ideas here honest, guv” beige-bland deathcore. No, in fact it’s worst than that – it’s lazy, studio-polished deathcore. The pig-squeals have been so liberally cut’n’pasted throughout the record that at one point I thought someone had lost a mobile phone down the back of the sofa and this repeating, muffled high-pitched squawking I could hear was a particularly gruesome ring-tone.
Metal gets away with a lot of stupid and ridiculous concept bands. They get away with it because no matter what schtick, their plugging, at the core of it they carry some spark of originality, even if it’s only a hairs’ breadth or so from their peers. Milking The Goatmachine’s record lacks even that modest requirement. The “goatgrind” gimmick is just invasive samples of billy goat bleats cack-handedly wedged in before, during and after songs, seemingly with no thought beyond upping the goat-content per track. Of course, with the vocal distortion deathcore demands, any thematic connections that the band might’ve hidden in the lyrics are lost.
It all comes to a head – the bad sampling, the goat obsession, the inside-joke-gone-a-bit-too-far jokiness – with ‘Surf Goataragua’, a track that finally answers the question that no-one had previously thought to ask: “what happens when deathcore dares to cover surf guitar pop?” The answer, incidentally, is “album reviewers across the globe will repeatedly bang their head against concrete walls till they start leaking skull-fluid, in a futile effort to excise all memory of these two-and-a-half minutes of irredeemable arse-gush.”
Watch the rubbish video to ‘Surf Goataragua’ by Milking The Goatmachine
Right about now, most of the scribes at Thrash Hits are starting to think about what their Top Albums of the Year are. With Back From The Goats, I’ve just found my Worst. I can’t bring myself to write any more words condemning this record. In fact, if I had a heart, instead of the black, tar-slick muscle pump that instead groans miserably in its place – I’d beg your forgiveness from the very bottom of it – some of you will might even have dared watch the video above and subjected yourselves to a few seconds of this monstrosity.
Sounds like: the worst 36 and a half minutes of our life
Top tracks: You’re taking the piss, right?
Milking The Goatmachine – Back From The Goats tracklisting
March into shed
A tale of slaughtering
Sour milk boogie
Goats got no clits
Rise of the wise goat
Eaten blessed scum
Feed the goat
The last unigoat
Born, lost and captured
Back from the goats