In the first of a new regular feature, we take you on an epic safari through the animal kingdom with one purpose: to discover the most metal creatures on the face of the earth. Following strict, scientific (ahem) criteria, we will rate each creature on their METAL credentials. For the inaugural column, we have been inspired by Kvelertak’s awesome showing at Sonisphere and chosen…
Weapons – 4/6
Big talons and a sharp beak make the owl a fearsome foe, but the wings are worryingly benign. Kasabian would be terrified, but Slayer unimpressed.
Diet – 5/6
They hunt and kill all their prey, swooping silently out of the night to pounce mercilessly on helpless victims. That’s fucking metal. The targets are rather small, however.
Viciousness – 2.5/6
They might give you a nip and be ruthless killers, but owls can be quite cute. They can even be tamed and let you stroke them. Can you imagine Johan Hegg letting you stroke his beard?
Viking Warrior- Metal
Cute and fluffy- not so much…
Attire – 3/6
Mainly browns and greys, which are far too bland to be metal. The ghost-like visage of the barn owl and the almost corpsepaint-white of the arctic owl redeem some of this, however.
Independence – 4.5/6
Most owls are either solitary or live as mated pairs. They fight off any strange owls that come into their territory, and bow down to none. However they can be trained to take commands and the truly metal like Zakk Wylde take commands from no one.
Tattoo potential – 5/6
How fucking awesome would a pair of big scary owl eyes look staring out from someone’s back? Lots of room for tattoo designs, from evil demon owls to DevilDriver album covers. Possible risk of being adopted by the trendy pop stars, however.
They may be vicious killers, but they also like to be stroked and wear brown. Owls are quite metal, but they need to work a bit harder- they’re more prog than metal as things stand.
Let us know if you disagree with any of our ratings and where you think we should go next on Metal Safari.