We love writing EVERYTHING IN CAPITAL LETTERS as much as the next über-brutal bastard, but we’re fairly certain that this advertisement posted on Craigslist is more BRUTAL than any ad you’ve ever posted.
It’s actually a very well thought-out piece…
In that first segment, BRUTAL DRUMMER – or BD as he will now be referred to – ensures that any possible applicants will not only be brutal and a guitarist (as outlined in the ad title, obvs) but they will also be capable of writing their own material. BD is aiming high.
BRUTAL DRUMMER SEEKS BRUTAL GUITAR PLAYER
BRUTAL IS WHAT I WANT. NO COVERS. NO TRIBUTES. NO ROCK. NO PUNK. NO CORE. NO KIDS. NO WEEKEND WARRIORS. IF THIS IS YOUR HOBBY, FUCK OFF, YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH. YOU MUST LIVE THIS SHIT EVERY MOTHERFUCKING DAY. DO NOT EMAIL ME TO CHAT ENDLESSLY ABOUT YOUR COVER BAND NEEDING A DRUMMER, FUCK YOU FOR NOT WRITING YOUR OWN GOD DAMNED MUSIC, AND FUCK YOU FOR PROFITEERING OFF OTHERS’ CREATIVITY. COME ORIGINAL, COME CORRECT, OR DON’T FUCKING EMAIL ME, I’M TOO BUSY LIVING THE DREAM TO BE BOTHERED BY ANY BULLSHIT AT ALL.
In the not-clearly-outlined second section, BD sends a subtle warning that he is not just brutal, he is also very serious and will not tolerate time-wasters. BD is also at pains to get across that he quite an angry man. Yes, being brutal, serious and angry are not mutually exclusive character traits. Who knew??
EQUIPMENT MUST BE FUCKING LOUD WITHOUT FEEDBACK OR BLOWN SPEAKERS, YOUR GUITAR MUST DOUBLE AS A WEAPON. YOU MUST BE ABLE TO DRIVE YOUR DRUG-ADDLED ASS OVER HERE TO DOWNTOWN RALEIGH WITH YOUR GEAR, AND BE PREPARED TO PLAY FULL ON FOR 2 HOURS OR MORE, OR, ONCE AGAIN, YOU CAN FUCK OFF RIGHT BACK TO THE PRACTICE SPACE, YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH. I NEED TO GET AGGRESSION OUT, AT LENGTH, AND WHILE SMOKING HEAVILY. IF THAT IS A PROBLEM, FUCK OFF. ALSO, NO FUCKING BANDS WITH A HOLE TO FILL. ONCE I FIND THE BRUTAL AS FUCK MOTHERFUCKING GUITAR PLAYER I LIKE, WE WILL FUCKING GO FROM FUCKING THERE…
Here, BD reiterates his intolerance of time-wasters. If you’re a brutal guitarist, you need to already be brutal. The brutality must be ready to go. Now. Also, no old guys.
YOUR FIRST EMAIL NEEDS TO INCLUDE MORE THAN ‘HEY I’M FUCKING BRUTAL, TOO, CALL ME’. YOU MUST HAVE MP3S, YOUTUBES, OR SOMETHING SIMILAR AVAILABLE FOR ME TO JUDGE BY, AND DON’T THINK SOME FOOTAGE FROM 10 YEARS AGO WILL CUT IT EITHER GRANDPA, RECENT, AND GOOD QUALITY. I MAY CURSE A LOT BUT THIS IS THE MOTHERFUCKING DIGITAL AGE AND IF YOU CAN’T PROVIDE SAMPLES, DON’T FUCKING EMAIL ME. IF YOU ARE JUST COMMENTING HOW YOU ‘LOVE MY AD’ DON’T FUCKING EMAIL ME, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK, I NEED BRUTAL, MOTHERFUCKERS. DO NOT DISAPPOINT.
We definitely want to hear this guy’s band when he gets it together.
We love this ad.