Thrash Hits

October 6th, 2010

Metal Safari 003: The Wolf

We have already thoroughly analysed the metal credentials of The Owl and The Penguin, inspired by Kvelertak and GU Medicine respectively. We are now inspired by the album artwork of Grand Magus and the t-shirts of Watain to take you further into the ferocious world of the animal kingdom by bringing you…

…The Wolf

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Weapons 5/6
A long, powerful muzzle filled with sharp teeth backed up by great strength. Don’t mess with the wolf- it’ll fuck you up. We don’t suggest asking them to pay to work for you either.

We asked this wolf what she thought of The Blackout

Diet 5/6
They mercilessly chase down their prey, sometimes pursuing them for miles before bringing them down with a vicious bite to the neck and devouring them. It’s enough to make even Cannibal Corpse feel inadequately metal.

Viciousness 4.5/6
As well as their hunting methods, they take part in terrifying fights over mates, territory and social ranking, behavior not dissimilar to Slayer crowds. Their descendents have been spotted in Paris Hilton’s handbag, however.

Attire 4/6
Ranging from greys and browns to the occasional black, their fur is not adequately dark in colouration for the truly metal. Having said that, they help them survive arctic winters, which we’re pretty sure Manowar’s loincloths would not. [Insert your own punchline about loincloth contents in the cold here.]

This may stop being funny one day. That day is not today.

Independence 6/6
The wolf pack is as free-spirited and independent as the North Winds. The pack members are locked in an endless battle for dominance, the strong leading and the weak being dominated. It all sounds like something a black metal singer would say in an interview.

Tattoo potential 5.5/6
Endless. The number of bands who use wolves in their names, on their t-shirts and in their album art is higher than Devin Townsend can count, and covers pretty much every area of metal music. They also look fucking cool. The slight danger of overuse exists, however. And searching wolf tattoo on Google images can get some very odd results…

No, us neither

Overall
Vicious killers who firmly walk a left-hand path and could be tattooed on virtually any part of the body (well, maybe not ANY part…). More of them need to learn the dress code, but they can survive where even Immortal would feel chilly and need a coat. Metal as fuck!
5/6

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