This tour was called THE MOSH LIVES!. We were confused as to whether that it meant that a mosh was alive, in which case nobody sent us a press release about it dying or whether it was the name of a new reality TV show following a few moshers around. We would probably watch that because we too are utter morons.
Six things we learnt when MOSH LIVES! came to London:
1) The UK tech metal scene appears to have contracted Band Diarrhoea. It’s just shitting out bands. Visions are yet another great example of what the UK has to offer in terms of clever metal and they’re signed to Basick Records, of course! We imagine they were so loud because they were on 10 minutes after doors and the folk in the queue outside wanted to hear their set.
2) Girls can be so much more brutal than boys. Krysta Cameron of iwrestledabearonce has one of the most amazing vocal ranges you’re ever going to hear. Mariah Carey may have had eight octaves but that ain’t shit compared to this. Providing a perfect foil for the glitchy samples and spazzcore her band produces, Cameron proves that despite riding the crest of the metal remix wave for the past couple of years, this band is not only fashionable – they’re fucking good as well.
3) German efficiency isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. As clinically brutal War From A Harlots Mouth might be, they’re really fucking dull. After one song, it’s time to retreat from the monotonous sweatpit to the bar.
4) Sometimes spending loads of time on something is not enough to make it passable. Winds Of Plague must have invested a lot of time on their band but still left the practice room thinking that silly riffs that resemble Blessed By A Broken Heart’s ridiculous (but self-aware) pop metal was a good idea. As the shaven-headed, muscle-bound doofuses absent-mindedly skip on the spot during other songs from recent album Against The World, the mind continues to boggle.
5) Baseball caps are very fashionable. 80 per cent (four) of Emmure wear them. 50 per cent (two) of those wear them back-to-front and the other two are flat-brimmed New Era affairs. Bro-core FTW! In all fairness, all the songs do sound like they’ve been written to be fucked to. Note: I said “fucked to” not “made love to”. There’s a nasty streak in this band’s music. Ooh. Nasty.
6) Nu metal is not dead. Emmure sound a lot like Life Is Peachy-era Korn. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing (but it is) because Korn were genuinely ground-breaking musical heroes at the time. The difference is that while the Emmure bassist, Mark Davis does that big-stepped jumping thing that Fieldy does and guitarist, Jesse Ketive does that that low-slung, nu metal headbang Munky patented and Chester Bennington made naff in the ‘One Step Closer’ video, Jon Davis never made hideous sex faces and bum-slapping motions whilst onstage. Stop that, Frankie Palmeri. It’s minging.