Thrash Hits

December 15th, 2011

Metal Safari 004: Turkey (CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!)

turkeys thrash hits metal safari 2011

It’s been over a year since we last went on Metal Safari and Christmas has thrown up an incredible opportunity to go and see just how metal another member of the animal kingdom is. We’ve already passed judgement on the wolf, the penguin and the owl and next up is…

… The Turkey

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Weapons 1/6
Let’s be honest, although most are rather substantial in proportions, they’re less Johan Hegg big-and-scary and more Dino Cazares girthy-and-abundant. Combine that with a pecker that’s hardly of Tommy Lee proportions and you’ve got an animal that’s about as pointless as Chad Kroeger’s existence.

Diet 1/6
Turkeys eat seeds and grass and are, regrettably, somewhat vegetarian. The only human equivalent is Morrissey who also eats seeds and grass, and has a somewhat high opinion of himself. Turkeys are therefore wankers by association.

heavy metal turkey thrash hits christmas leg breast 2010 2011Don’t ask bands simple questions…

Viciousness 3/6
Turkeys are quite social beings but will attack, and potentially mortally wound, any other turkey they perceive to be alien. To stop them continuing this prickish behaviour and to teach them not to be naughty, we ceremonially kill them all every Christmas and eat them in front of their family and friends. HURRAH!

Attire 5/6
Any animal that’s willing to show off its ballbag on the underside of its chin has my vote. Additionally, strip all the feathers off and they somewhat resemble a naked Lemmy. Fucking A!

Independence 3/6
They are mostly sociable (like the metal community), yet will stamp out anything that seems scary or different (like the metal community). However, they lack the full clout of the cynical, die hard metal fan because they haven’t found an effective way to troll the internet yet. Due to these inadequacies, not every turkey has worked out that they’re meant to dislike the Metallica/Lulu collaboration yet. As a result, this was #4 in the Turkey Albums of 2011, just in front of the new Architects and Five Finger Death Punch releases…

Thanksgiving Turkey thrash hitsYou’re hungry. Aren’t you.

Tattoo potential 0/6
A bottle of Wild Turkey? Maybe. Turkish Delight? Unlikely. A giant turkey across your face!?!? Not even Kerry King could pull that one off.

Overall
This shambolic mess of a creature deserves no credit from the metal community other than for being delicious and for having testes on its face. Its sound of choice may be the ‘gobble’, but there is nothing sexy about that noise coming from the gullet of this moronic oaf of a bird. Metal this is not.
2/6

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