Thrash Hits

July 3rd, 2012

Heavy Metal Sandwich 003: James Monteith of TesseracT

The sandwich is possibly the greatest food-based invention. We need to be able to eat and post on Facebook at the same time. Sandwiches allow us to do this. The best thing about sandwiches, however, is that anybody can eat them. Vegetarian? Put some more salad in. Belly doesn’t like wheat? Use some gluten-free bread then! And everybody has a favourite sandwich. Even bands…

james monteith tesseract closeup thrash hits 2012 band metal

TesseracT have just parted ways with their third vocalist, Eliot Coleman and this account of sandwich anarchy from guitarist James “Metal / Ten Teeth” Monteith may go some way to explaining why the Djent masters go through vocalists like we go through underpants. (One a year.)

Hello there, James Monteith from TesseracT. Tell us all about your favourite sandwich.

Bread: French stick.
Filling: Ripe Brie, Camembert or any gooey cheese.
Salad: No.
Condiments: None.

What’s so good about it?

“A fresh baguette is the tastiest bread in the world. It’s so soft and slightly sweet in the middle, and the light crunchy crust adds a hugely moreish bite to the texture. The cheese has to be ripe and runny, so it acts as filling and condiment in one. The cheesy goo smothers the bread and drips out of the edges with the salty rind creating a sharp-tasting solid centre. No other ingredients are needed.”

Any other bonuses?

“It also serves as a very convincing ejaculating penis. Simply hold the open side shut, leaving a hole at the top and squeeze. It’s amazing. This is only funny if performed with a baguette and gooey cheese. Not having these to hand, I once used a far less funny object to simulate the act in the ear of an ex-bandmate while he was on Skype to his loved one on tour. He subsequently laid me out and quit the band a few months later. Had I used a fresh baguette with ripe Camembert, he would have thought it was the funniest thing ever I’m sure…”

Did James use his actual penis in lieu of a cheesy sandwich? Hmmmm. Anyway, if you’re ever serving the TesseracT guitarist in Subway, you’ll know exactly what he wants now. Or maybe you’d like to take him a present when on tour. Either way, you know.



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