Thrash Hits

October 15th, 2013

Zebrahead and the art of advertising “self-love” aids: Adam Graham from FACT is our man in Japan

Here’s the second column from Adam Graham – the “token white guy” (his words, not ours) in Japanese mosh heroes, FACT. For content, our man in Japan is still banking on Japan being weirder than what you’re used to. It appears to be working. We’re hopeful of plenty more too…

fact tenga thrashhits japan 2013 fleshlight

Japan’s a funny old country. I don’t mean this in a sneering, xenophobic, “Oh, look at the silly foreigners,” kind of way – I am extremely fortunate to live here and enjoy the hospitality of the country and its people. What I mean is that from a completely objective standpoint a lot of things go down here that seem to teeter on the edge of sanity.

I’m talking Pepsi-flavoured Cheetos and nightmare-inducing “cute” mascots (can you guess what this fella is selling?!). Oh and hey, you’re worried about a little bit of horsemeat finding its way into your hamburger? What about if it found its way into your ice cream? ON PURPOSE.

When it comes to sex in Japan, things get even more confusing (I realize I’m still quite a way from anything remotely related to heavy metal here. Bear with me). Whilst on one hand you have tentacle porn and the Thrash Hits-approved doorknob-licking fetish, most of the time adult videos and magazines here have the real meaty stuff (excuse the unfortunate and fairly horrific turn of phrase) obscured by a blizzard of pixels so that it’s often unclear whether you’re watching something erotic or whether it’s just some kind of teaser trailer for the next Pinkish Black record (geddit?!).

So where does heavy metal stand in this sea of sexual confusion? Nowhere. It’s back at home locked in its bedroom, sweating and grunting feverishly as it thrusts unrelentingly into every band’s favourite masturbation device, the Tenga. Don’t take it from me, take it from some of Japan’s most illustrious rock musicians – from oddball metallers Maximum The Hormone to colourful pop punks Total Fat, it seems that everyone is at it. Yes, the rockers of Japan are united in their support of beakers to jerk off into. This video is actually for a slight variation on the “cup” product those bands are advertising, but it’s just too good not to share with you all. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…

Yes, yes. Sex and rock music are not unusual bedfellows in the slightest and I know all about the likes of Limp Bizkit and Korn appearing in the infamous ‘Backstage Sluts’ videos, but surely there’s more than a slight difference between the rock star swagger involved in copulating with hundreds of groupies and the furtive, sweaty-palmed solitude implied in the act of jerking off into a cup. It just doesn’t seem particularly rock ‘n’ roll to me.

Imagine the titans of heavy music – Corey Taylor, James Hetfield, Max Cavalera. Now envisage the following phrase being spoken: “I jack off into this cup, it’s rad”. And now try to fuse those two images into one. Can you seriously imagine these words or similar spoken by your favourite metal musicians in a big bucks advertising campaign? Can you? No? Good. It’s not something anyone ever needs to be imagining.

Unless your favourite band just happens to be Zebrahead…

Click here to read an interview with Zebrahead about the Tengas they’re advertising, including chatter about how they masturbate when in Japan. Of course…
I don’t think there’s any more I need to/want to/can say so I guess this is where we part ways. I’ll be over in the UK for Warped Tour at Alexandra Palace in November and you never know, I may have room for a couple of Tengas (or at least the eggs) in my suitcase to throw out to unsuspecting Warped attendees. In the meantime come and talk shit to/at me on the Fact Facebook page (or Twitter).


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