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The 2009 Premier League vs Thrash Hits XX – Part 2

August 15th, 2008

With the football season fast approaching, Gareth Dobson takes it upon himself to ponder the numerous parallels between the English Premier League’s finest and the rock world’s… finest. Some bands might call it soccer.

Premier League logo thrash hits

Following on from Part 1, quite naturally, is The 2009 Premier League vs Thrash Hits XX – Part 2.

We are mere hours from kick-off now so forget about leaving the house tomorrow afternoon. There’s footy to watch. Forget about staying down the pub. You’ve got Match of the Day to watch.

To celebrate, Thrash Hits .com has decided to pair up its favourite rock bands with this seasons title contenders, ne’er do wells and downright doomed.

Don’t have any sporting affiliation? Now with our handy rock-u-like comparison feature, you can choose next season’s sporting protégés by attachment to your preferred guitar heroes.

Bullet For My Valentine
History: Fervently supported collective from the regions, boasting a proud working class following. Probably over-idealised by many, they have a recently history of threatening to dominate but ultimately falling short.
Form: Mixed times right now. The strong critical backing they received earlier on has receeded to be replaced by murmurs of doubt over their top-class credentials. Much money has been poured into recent campaigns to dent the upper echelons, but no-one’s confident it’s been well-spent. Despite being viewed by fans as quite the god-head, their main man’s occasionally irrational outburst has dropped them into the soup before.
You are… Newcastle United FC

The Subways
History: Initially bursting out of nowhere to make a big impact, claiming some big prizes on arrival. Then it all went wrong as they struggled to cope with the success, but now on an even keel. Critics are disdainful of their meat and potato style, others however, are fans of their typically English, 100 mph energy and efforts.
Form: Struggling a little bit with some big internal changes, there’s rumours of fractured relationships within the camp as the group attempt to match recent successes. Not easy thing given that many think they’ve over-achieved.
You are… Blackburn Rovers FC

didier drogba mike shinoda chelsea linkin park thrash hits

Linkin Park
History: Emerging in the late 90’s as an aspiring global force, Linkin Park have always had to deal with suspicion and wrinkled noses. Fortunately for them, the huge amounts of cash flowing through their accounts makes them essentially bulletproof. Would dearly love to be loved, but will settle for playing to the biggest crowds forever.
Form: After a crushing run that saw them clean up for a protracted period of time, they’ve stumbled by their own high standards recently. However, word of a new approach to their game offers hope that they’ll evolve into something more enjoyable. Critics are waiting for proof though.
You are… Chelsea FC

Staind
History: To the surprise of most onlookers, the outfit from Massachusetts have been around the big leagues since the turn of the decade. Backed for success thanks to some influential friends, they’ve held an elevated position many thought would never be possible, despite being dwarfed by their more esteemed rivals and neighbours.
Form: Mixed of late, many believe the cracks are beginning to show. A lot of money has been spent on the latest product, but it’s hard to see how it will succeed in the face of more adept and ultimately, superior rivals in the same division.
You are… Fulham FC

The Wildhearts
History: Who would be a fan of this neanderthal lot? Doomed to traverse the nether regions of the circuit, any success disappeared a long time ago. To be honest, no-one’s particularly sure how or why they’re even competing.
Form: Recently came back into the wider public eye thanks to a dogged climb out of their trough of ill-fortune. Will struggle to stay afloat though, and people have forgotten about them before they’ve even re-started.
You are… Stoke City

paramore middlesbrough boro stewart downing hayley williams thrash hits

Paramore
History: The reliance of youth is a brave world for some but folly for others. This sprightly bunch has achieved unparalleled success for their backwater region, thanks to the ardent backing of the men in the shadows. Clearly a strong desire to make this outfit a success, money has been poured in, but results have been decidedly mixed.
Form: Too adept to be dismissed, but not classy enough to really gun for the big time, the outfit seem to be riddled by image problems and exasperation at not receiving due credit. Strangely, their best performer comes under a lot of flak from the fans, partly due to speculation of their relationship with the rest of the team.
You are… Middlesbrough FC

Saxon
History: Hardy perennials with solid regional support, theirs has always been a case of ploughing on throughout the ages with survival the main success in itself. Now however, this collection of aged pros seem to have peaked at an unlikely age. Surely the dream can’t last for long…
Form: Unprecedented success. Set to play to their biggest ever crowds and enjoy previously unheard of exposure – all thanks to a televised roulette wheel of fortune. Old enough and ugly enough to realise that this is their only and final shot at glory, and will enjoy their high-profile time in the sun that’s been a long time coming.
You are… Hull City FC

Incubus
History: Well supported bunch with a good smattering of celebrity fans. Easy on the eye, it’s hard to spite this hard-working bunch. Certainly though, they don’t demand the adoration of neutrals either.
Form: Beyond the glory days, but still managing to spend occasional periods in the limelight. Tendency to chop and change core members and an inability to keep key men probably hampering them. Despite a modern aesthetic, still viewed by many as a kickback to older, staid times.
You are… West Bromwich Albion FC

kerry king glen johnson pompey portsmouth slayer thrash hits

Slayer
History: Never particularly glamorous before, they nevertheless make a hell of a racket and their followers love getting stuck in. Now however, they’ve re-emerged as a reborn force. Particularly loved by the pundits, who seem to get rather dewey-eyed over them.
Form: Riding a new wave of glory and hitting the heights. Seemingly re-energised, they’re big draws doing pretty well indeed. Long-term fans might be getting a little wary of all these new fans emerging from everywhere though. They’ve stood by them through the lean years and are now enjoying the fruits of their faith.
You are… Portsmouth FC

Porcupine Tree
History: Without a doubt, not the most glamorous lot going, sometimes there’s a whiff of something slightly naff about it all, hinting back to another era, despite valiant attempts at modernising. Still though, a better bunch than many might give them credit for and astutely run.
Form: One of the more successful stories of recent times, their ascent has been slow but there’s no indication they’ll let it go to their heads. Hard work seems the attitude of the day, even if, with a constant revolving door of contributors, they might need benefit from a more settled line-up.
You are… Wigan Athletic FC

Agree with the bands the teams have beeen matched up to? Reckon you can do better? Thrash it out below.

American Goalies Who Like Metal

July 2nd, 2008

It came to our attention that American goalkeepers in the English Premiership are occasionally fans of heavy metal. Joe Shooman dives into the unknown with the most unpredictable bunch of sportsmen available.

Tim Howard Everton Manchester United Thrash Hits

It’s fairly common knowledge that Stuart ‘Psycho’ Pearce is bang up for a bit of punk, and when the Pistols played at Finsbury Park in ’96 he got onstage with em for a bit of a mosh. ‘Cause he’s a top geezer, innit.

He was also spotted (by me) at a Stiff Little Fingers gig in Liverpool a few years later. He’s not as tall as you think, but he does look rock hard and I certainly wouldn’t f**k with him.

Most of the top footballists of our revered Premiership think a good night out is a bottle of Grey Goose followed by a rendition of ‘Soulja Boi’ and puking over some pneumatic tart they’ve picked up then calling it foreplay.

However, it’s refreshing to note that there is a phenomenon extant in the UK which we at Thrash Hits .com will call American Goalies Who Like S**t Metal. Because they do. Well. At least two of them anyway.

Take Reading FC’s Marcus Hahnemann for example. Not only does he share a surname with Jeff of Slayer, he’s also got quite a pre-match ritual.

Watch the video to ‘Sober’ by Tool

“I’ll be listening to Slipknot or Tool,” he told an interviewer. “Something really hard and in your face to get you pumped up.” He’ll also drink four cans of Red Bull. Just what you need before facing Kevin Davies and his ilk.

Similarly, Fulham FC’s Kasey Keller is mad for the more aggressive side of rawk. He used to play for Borussia Monchengladbach, which is also a damn good name for a metal band if you ask us.

“When I want to have the weight room to myself,” said Keller to USA Today, “I put in some music and then slowly I do. Slipknot or Soulfly will do the job pretty well. You can always put in some death metal like Satyricon or Opeth, that will get them going.”

We’re gonna take some footballs to Download Festival next year and see if it works in reverse so that we can clear a decent area for a picnic during Slayer’s set. Which is probably stupid.

Watch Kasey Keller at his best

Tim Howard (pictured up top, throwing the horns, probably), meanwhile, the Tourettes-suffering minder of Everton’s onion bag, is well into God’s Greatest Hits (his fave song is Psalm 118:24) so doubtless disapproves. Or listens to Stryper.

Brad Friedel was last seen online updating his blog which is quite frankly of dubious provenance, unless the Blackburn goalie really does like making lists of Chuck Norris-esque facts like “[I] once breast-fed a flamingo back to health” or claiming to have eaten homeless people and impregnate most of North West England. Including the blokes. It’s pretty damned rock ‘n’ roll whichever way you look at it.

Whether this love of noise is down to the fact that these guys are trying to prove themselves manly in the face of the US perception of footy (soccer, indeed) being a girl’s sport is up for discussion, of course, but it’s still better than yer usual twat-faced footballer in a top-end Porsche with Phil Collins blasting out the sunroof.

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