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The 2009 Premier League vs Thrash Hits XX – Part 1

August 7th, 2008

With the football season fast approaching, Gareth Dobson takes it upon himself to ponder the numerous parallels between the English Premier League’s finest and the rock world’s… finest. Some bands might call it soccer.

Premier League logo thrash hits

Despite a daily stream of back pages filled with stories of wanderlusting wingers and bolshy Bulgarians, those bitten by the football bug are still desperately missing fix of weekend football.

Fortunately, we’re just days from a new season and you having to explain to your partners why you really, really can’t go shopping next Saturday.

To celebrate, Thrash Hits .com has decided to pair up its favourite rock bands with this seasons title contenders, ne’er do wells and downright doomed.

Don’t have any sporting affiliation? Now with our handy rock-u-like comparison feature, you can choose next season’s sporting protégés by attachment to your preferred guitar heroes.

Metallica
History: Something of a global giant dating back decades, ‘tallica are one of the best-supported outfits in the world, always drawing large crowds. Their many ardent fans speak dreamily of the group’s history and status, pointing towards the vast collection of awards picked up over the years.
Form: Patchy since the 1990s, they’ve dipped from the top of the tree whilst never fully receding power. Now, despite issues with staff changes, there’s whispers of them returning to claim their crown. Be warned; there has been false dawns before.
You are… Liverpool FC

west ham iron maiden bruce dickinson bobby zamora thrash hits

Iron Maiden
History: Determinedly British, entirely East End. These still hold worldwide appeal thanks to the much covered exploits of its prime-era members. Remaining constantly true to their roots, they never fall into unfashionable status, largely because they never were slavishly feted in the first place.
Form: Having spent much of the past 15 years fighting second-class status, they’ve recently enjoyed a period of top-level stability, adapting to modern business methods to see vast amounts of resources being poured into their performances. Enjoyable to watch, they’ll never see their passionate fanbase ebb away.
You are… West Ham United FC

Funeral For A Friend
History: Causing quite a splash upon their entrance to the top tier, F4AF exceeded expectations on their debut, finding interested onlookers quickly and grudging respect for their hardworking, if un-dynamic exploits.
Form: Suspicions that over-reliance on a single formula is set to be their undoing in the coming year. Need to add a bit more flair and variation in play, otherwise they stand a real chance of demotion.
You are… Bolton Wanderers FC

Foo Fighters
History: Led by a man who enjoyed success with a previous outfit, The Foo Fighters have, somewhat surprisingly in the eyes of purists, sprung to the higher echelons of the rankings thanks to their enjoyable and incisive performances. Despite being steeped in history, their modern incarnation is still seem as a somewhat upstart in the high-rolling arenas.
Form: Dynamic and exciting, the Foos are one of the younger outfits currently feasting near the top of the table. Worries that their armoury is a little thin on truly top class talent need to be disproven to enjoy an extended stay at the summit.
You are… Aston Villa FC

manchester united my chemical romance gerard way cristiano ronaldo thrash hits

My Chemical Romance
History: Buoyed by a fervent, self styled army of black and red-clad fans, My Chem are arguably the biggest rock band in the world. As derided by detractors sick of their perceived omnipotence as loved by their adoring fanbase, the group find themselves constantly surrounded by media hype and speculation wherever they go.
Form: Nothing short of spectacular in the past few years, they’ve swept everyone aside on their road to glory. However, all is not entirely rosy in their camp, as younger members of their faction consider defecting to other causes.
You are… Manchester United FC

Velvet Revolver
History: Many blue moons ago, these were some of the finest talents in the land. Traditionally well-supported, they’ve had to deal with all manner of problems to keep their heads above water, including some desperate lulls in the nineties. Newly revived, thanks to some clever political manoeuvring.
Form: Experiencing something of a renaissance, they’ve picked up new fans and renewed interest, but older fans shudder with unease at the perceived soul-less route this newly cash-rich collection are going down. Having chased the dollar and removed their front man with disturbing ease, it seems a cynical affair right now.
You are… Manchester City FC

Gallows
History: These scrappy underdogs are renowned more for their fighting spirit and devotional crowds than glitz and glamour. Led by a man distinguished by his raucous and confrontational nature, they’re nobody’s preferred opponents in a ruck.
Form: For such an unglamorous troupe, there’s a lot of money floating round their world – with some questioning how wisely it’s been spent. Struggling to acclimatise to the big leagues, their strength lies in their never-say-die spirit.
You are… Sunderland AFC

Lostprophets
History: Lauded and laughed at in equal measures for their pretty-boy appearance, the Prophets probably believe they’re bigger than they are. Those staunchly behind the band are often derided for their interminable belief that, any day now, they’ll be the biggest in the land.
Form: Recent headline-grabbing events hint once again that they’re on the up, but it’s a story heard many times before. The wise money is never on a big-league breakthrough. Talented, yet never presenting a water-tight defence of itself.
You are… Tottenham Hostpur FC

arsenal kiss thrash hits gene simmons paul stanley eric singer emmanuel adebayor tomasz rosicky kolo toure

KISS
History: A group mired in its somewhat rewritten sense of history, it’s been pyrotechnics, flashiness and outrageous manoeuvres for quite some time. The more historically knowledgeable amongst us, however, remember that they used to be dull, mid level cloggers, bereft of flair and panache. A collective with a deep air of cynicism about them.
Form: Still able to leave the crowd gasping and critics salivating, but all too often now their soft underbelly is exposed. Where there should be steely economy, flabby self-satisfaction is creeping in, undermining their attempts to stay at the top of their profession.
You are… Arsenal FC

Biffy Clyro
History: Seemingly been around forever, they’ve always competed hard and have gained the respect of those around them. Regardless of how well they do, they can’t shake off the tag of underdog. Well marshalled and characterised by Scottish grit and fervour, they’re everyone’s favourite second choice.
Form: A relatively spectacular last couple of years have left critics and followers alike sitting up and taking notice of their achievements. Certainly no-one doubts their desire and aptitude, but many feel that they may have peaked already. The real struggle could be maintaining their already creditable position.
You are… Everton FC

Look out for Part 2 including Slayer, Linkin Park and probably Paramore, before the Premier League commences on 16 August 2008

Agree with the bands the teams have beeen matched up to? Reckon you can do better? Thrash it out below.

American Goalies Who Like Metal

July 2nd, 2008

It came to our attention that American goalkeepers in the English Premiership are occasionally fans of heavy metal. Joe Shooman dives into the unknown with the most unpredictable bunch of sportsmen available.

Tim Howard Everton Manchester United Thrash Hits

It’s fairly common knowledge that Stuart ‘Psycho’ Pearce is bang up for a bit of punk, and when the Pistols played at Finsbury Park in ’96 he got onstage with em for a bit of a mosh. ‘Cause he’s a top geezer, innit.

He was also spotted (by me) at a Stiff Little Fingers gig in Liverpool a few years later. He’s not as tall as you think, but he does look rock hard and I certainly wouldn’t f**k with him.

Most of the top footballists of our revered Premiership think a good night out is a bottle of Grey Goose followed by a rendition of ‘Soulja Boi’ and puking over some pneumatic tart they’ve picked up then calling it foreplay.

However, it’s refreshing to note that there is a phenomenon extant in the UK which we at Thrash Hits .com will call American Goalies Who Like S**t Metal. Because they do. Well. At least two of them anyway.

Take Reading FC’s Marcus Hahnemann for example. Not only does he share a surname with Jeff of Slayer, he’s also got quite a pre-match ritual.

Watch the video to ‘Sober’ by Tool

“I’ll be listening to Slipknot or Tool,” he told an interviewer. “Something really hard and in your face to get you pumped up.” He’ll also drink four cans of Red Bull. Just what you need before facing Kevin Davies and his ilk.

Similarly, Fulham FC’s Kasey Keller is mad for the more aggressive side of rawk. He used to play for Borussia Monchengladbach, which is also a damn good name for a metal band if you ask us.

“When I want to have the weight room to myself,” said Keller to USA Today, “I put in some music and then slowly I do. Slipknot or Soulfly will do the job pretty well. You can always put in some death metal like Satyricon or Opeth, that will get them going.”

We’re gonna take some footballs to Download Festival next year and see if it works in reverse so that we can clear a decent area for a picnic during Slayer’s set. Which is probably stupid.

Watch Kasey Keller at his best

Tim Howard (pictured up top, throwing the horns, probably), meanwhile, the Tourettes-suffering minder of Everton’s onion bag, is well into God’s Greatest Hits (his fave song is Psalm 118:24) so doubtless disapproves. Or listens to Stryper.

Brad Friedel was last seen online updating his blog which is quite frankly of dubious provenance, unless the Blackburn goalie really does like making lists of Chuck Norris-esque facts like “[I] once breast-fed a flamingo back to health” or claiming to have eaten homeless people and impregnate most of North West England. Including the blokes. It’s pretty damned rock ‘n’ roll whichever way you look at it.

Whether this love of noise is down to the fact that these guys are trying to prove themselves manly in the face of the US perception of footy (soccer, indeed) being a girl’s sport is up for discussion, of course, but it’s still better than yer usual twat-faced footballer in a top-end Porsche with Phil Collins blasting out the sunroof.

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