With the football season fast approaching, Gareth Dobson takes it upon himself to ponder the numerous parallels between the English Premier League’s finest and the rock world’s… finest. Some bands might call it soccer.
Following on from Part 1, quite naturally, is The 2009 Premier League vs Thrash Hits XX – Part 2.
We are mere hours from kick-off now so forget about leaving the house tomorrow afternoon. There’s footy to watch. Forget about staying down the pub. You’ve got Match of the Day to watch.
To celebrate, Thrash Hits .com has decided to pair up its favourite rock bands with this seasons title contenders, ne’er do wells and downright doomed.
Don’t have any sporting affiliation? Now with our handy rock-u-like comparison feature, you can choose next season’s sporting protégés by attachment to your preferred guitar heroes.
Bullet For My Valentine
History: Fervently supported collective from the regions, boasting a proud working class following. Probably over-idealised by many, they have a recently history of threatening to dominate but ultimately falling short.
Form: Mixed times right now. The strong critical backing they received earlier on has receeded to be replaced by murmurs of doubt over their top-class credentials. Much money has been poured into recent campaigns to dent the upper echelons, but no-one’s confident it’s been well-spent. Despite being viewed by fans as quite the god-head, their main man’s occasionally irrational outburst has dropped them into the soup before.
You are… Newcastle United FC
History: Initially bursting out of nowhere to make a big impact, claiming some big prizes on arrival. Then it all went wrong as they struggled to cope with the success, but now on an even keel. Critics are disdainful of their meat and potato style, others however, are fans of their typically English, 100 mph energy and efforts.
Form: Struggling a little bit with some big internal changes, there’s rumours of fractured relationships within the camp as the group attempt to match recent successes. Not easy thing given that many think they’ve over-achieved.
You are… Blackburn Rovers FC
History: Emerging in the late 90’s as an aspiring global force, Linkin Park have always had to deal with suspicion and wrinkled noses. Fortunately for them, the huge amounts of cash flowing through their accounts makes them essentially bulletproof. Would dearly love to be loved, but will settle for playing to the biggest crowds forever.
Form: After a crushing run that saw them clean up for a protracted period of time, they’ve stumbled by their own high standards recently. However, word of a new approach to their game offers hope that they’ll evolve into something more enjoyable. Critics are waiting for proof though.
You are… Chelsea FC
History: To the surprise of most onlookers, the outfit from Massachusetts have been around the big leagues since the turn of the decade. Backed for success thanks to some influential friends, they’ve held an elevated position many thought would never be possible, despite being dwarfed by their more esteemed rivals and neighbours.
Form: Mixed of late, many believe the cracks are beginning to show. A lot of money has been spent on the latest product, but it’s hard to see how it will succeed in the face of more adept and ultimately, superior rivals in the same division.
You are… Fulham FC
History: Who would be a fan of this neanderthal lot? Doomed to traverse the nether regions of the circuit, any success disappeared a long time ago. To be honest, no-one’s particularly sure how or why they’re even competing.
Form: Recently came back into the wider public eye thanks to a dogged climb out of their trough of ill-fortune. Will struggle to stay afloat though, and people have forgotten about them before they’ve even re-started.
You are… Stoke City
History: The reliance of youth is a brave world for some but folly for others. This sprightly bunch has achieved unparalleled success for their backwater region, thanks to the ardent backing of the men in the shadows. Clearly a strong desire to make this outfit a success, money has been poured in, but results have been decidedly mixed.
Form: Too adept to be dismissed, but not classy enough to really gun for the big time, the outfit seem to be riddled by image problems and exasperation at not receiving due credit. Strangely, their best performer comes under a lot of flak from the fans, partly due to speculation of their relationship with the rest of the team.
You are… Middlesbrough FC
History: Hardy perennials with solid regional support, theirs has always been a case of ploughing on throughout the ages with survival the main success in itself. Now however, this collection of aged pros seem to have peaked at an unlikely age. Surely the dream can’t last for long…
Form: Unprecedented success. Set to play to their biggest ever crowds and enjoy previously unheard of exposure – all thanks to a televised roulette wheel of fortune. Old enough and ugly enough to realise that this is their only and final shot at glory, and will enjoy their high-profile time in the sun that’s been a long time coming.
You are… Hull City FC
History: Well supported bunch with a good smattering of celebrity fans. Easy on the eye, it’s hard to spite this hard-working bunch. Certainly though, they don’t demand the adoration of neutrals either.
Form: Beyond the glory days, but still managing to spend occasional periods in the limelight. Tendency to chop and change core members and an inability to keep key men probably hampering them. Despite a modern aesthetic, still viewed by many as a kickback to older, staid times.
You are… West Bromwich Albion FC
History: Never particularly glamorous before, they nevertheless make a hell of a racket and their followers love getting stuck in. Now however, they’ve re-emerged as a reborn force. Particularly loved by the pundits, who seem to get rather dewey-eyed over them.
Form: Riding a new wave of glory and hitting the heights. Seemingly re-energised, they’re big draws doing pretty well indeed. Long-term fans might be getting a little wary of all these new fans emerging from everywhere though. They’ve stood by them through the lean years and are now enjoying the fruits of their faith.
You are… Portsmouth FC
History: Without a doubt, not the most glamorous lot going, sometimes there’s a whiff of something slightly naff about it all, hinting back to another era, despite valiant attempts at modernising. Still though, a better bunch than many might give them credit for and astutely run.
Form: One of the more successful stories of recent times, their ascent has been slow but there’s no indication they’ll let it go to their heads. Hard work seems the attitude of the day, even if, with a constant revolving door of contributors, they might need benefit from a more settled line-up.
You are… Wigan Athletic FC
Agree with the bands the teams have beeen matched up to? Reckon you can do better? Thrash it out below.